This is a rambling post, but I need to just get it off my chest and out there. To make myself not feel alone in the matter and to maybe begin to better myself and actually trying to fix the issue. Also, hitting publish was really hard, but I know you guys appreciate it when I’m honest. Something I always strive to be.
This morning I spent 2 hours talking myself into making a phone call to the bank to ask them to waive some overdraft fees (long story short, I was sick and didn’t make it into the bank and completely forgot about it until it was too late). I got completely worked up over it and cried. Finally I just made the phone call and guess what, it lasted a total of 2 minutes. And they put the money back into my account.
Two hours of getting all worked up over a two minute phone call that ended in my favor.
It’s freaking ridiculous. But this sort of thing happens often in my life. I start thinking of something I need to do (phone call/email/blog post/text/in person convo) and then I come up with the worst case scenario. I will be rejected, the person will laugh at me, someone will stare, I’ll make a fool of myself, that person will think I’m bothering them, and so on. Then it takes me an hour/a day/a month/a year to do whatever it was. And even sometimes it never gets done (like those yoga classes I wanted to try that Mr. B got me for my birthday/skype calls to friends/cards sent to people/dinner dates) and then I just get upset all over again that I didn’t do it.
The funny thing is when I do actually tackle the task, it very rarely ends horribly. And all that anxiety was for nothing. Rarely do I remember that though when a new task comes along. The whole cycle just starts over again.
I really do believe this stems from when I was overweight and was rejected or made fun of for doing things. I wasn’t always appreciated by “friends” and sometimes was a bother to them. So, now I still feel like that. I don’t make a great effort of keeping in touch with people who are actually really good friends because I feel like reaching out to them is bothering them. That they’re going to be busy with whatever in their own lives and not have time to talk with me. Which really does isolate me and causes me to feel like I have no friends locally to hang with. Then I get upset with Mr. B when he goes out with his friends and leaves me at home. It boils down to being jealous that he has those friends. And the silly thing is I do too, I just don’t make an effort to see them.
Making new friends is another subject that’s tough for me as well. I fear that people won’t like me (again thank you former self for this) and won’t want to be my friend. Again, ridiculous, but it’s a real thing. This fear absolutely paralyzes me and makes me look like a stuck up person because I don’t ever go out of my way to meet new people. In a social setting I will cling to the few people I do know and sit there quietly for the most part. About a month ago a girl invited me to her girl’s night and I hardly said anything for fear that I would sound dumb or they wouldn’t like me. (I haven’t been invited to hang with them since. I’m sure they just thought I was bored the entire time. I wasn’t, just anxious and scared.) I don’t go to fitness classes, talk to people in my Weight Watchers meeting (that I attend), or strike up conversations with those around me for the same reasons.
This stuff makes me sell myself short a lot. The anxiety builds, tears flow, fear appears, and I just stop before I even get started. There’s so much I want to do in life, but don’t. Like right now I have really been toying with the idea of writing an e-book (about what I have no idea), but haven’t even just started because I think of all the horrible things. I do want to attend a yoga class, make new friends, take a knitting class, become a health coach, and better my blog. But again, I have myself failing before I’ve even given it a shot.
Again, I know this is all ridiculous, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Mr. B does help with calming me down, but sometimes I wish I could JUST DO IT. I don’t know how to make it completely better, but I know there are things I can do to make it somewhat better. Like instead of thinking of all the negative, start thinking of the good that could come from whatever I want to do. And I could just start reaching out to those friends and know that I’m probably not bothering them, that they’re probably just wanting to hang out with me too.
Will I ever be cured of all of this anxiety and fear? Probably not, but if I could just get a little better each day, then I’d be okay.
How about you, is this something you deal with? Any tips?